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You dont get to badmouth this woman just because she wont get an abortion that YOU and your boyfriend want her to get. I know exactly what child support means, and you are discussing the post-birth situation, where there actually is a child who actually needs support. Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. I'm devastated and broken. Its easier just to blame her and act like hes an innocent victim, but hes not. The laws are imperfect because the biology of men and women is different. We remained friends with Benefits for months because I wanted too and he said with or without sex, he doesn't want to lose this friendship but I wanted the sex lol I . Either_Coconut 3 mo. February 1, 2014, 11:38 am. It doesnt involve any weird semi-involvement; but rather a clean break for the child and a chance to build a happy, loving life with a set of great parents. Hes a real winner. I know Im not, but thats mainly because Im in a foul mood and feel feisty. When a woman tells you that shes on the pill, whether its true or not, and you believe that means that you cannot impregnate her you are the idiot. So the law says, hey, you two created this child, you two are responsible for supporting it. Im PRETTY sure you only included this to make yourself sound like a selfless person. You pack of hypocrites. The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. She should think long and hard about that reason and not take her former bf back. This does sound like a lot of cod wallop and baby malarky shenanigans to me as well. April 9, 2012, 4:39 pm. Although I cant decide if shes purely a straight-up C.U.N.T. Run as if your life depends on it because it does. Furthermore, why does this child need two parents? So the man in there He should probably act responsibly too. But it is a dickish move to get someone pregnant and then decide youre not going to be involved in that childs life. She barely knows her new boyfriend, yet she's already pregnant with the guy's baby and is forced to plan a future with him. Guy Friday Its not some big secret that women have that option and that men are legally obligated to provide financially if she exercises that option. lets_be_honest I know plenty of women who are exemplary parents. Here are five hard truths every "other woman" should know: 1. Kansas City, Missouri. Think of the children. Its now you, the man, the other lady and a baby involved in this situation and as far as I can see thats too much people involved already. -Got her pregnant April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. And MOA. But, the real reason you can't let go is because you feel bad that you've invested 4 years into this relationship hoping it would lead to something, and all you got is heartbreak, and him getting another woman pregnant. I dont think hes scum based on this either. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? Since most of the people here seem to be pretty strong advocates of womens right to choose, to be treated equally, and so on and I agree with those stances it seems backwards, odd, and a double standard to say that men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be and that they should have no say whatsoever in that. However, I realize thats a pipe dream. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Would be nice if they could because there were many nights when I was pregnant where my husband could have had our babies lay on his bladder instead of mine. If he doesnt think hed be a good dad, he probably wont be. Beyond that, no one really cares that he jumped in bed with another woman right after they broke up only to decide that he cant live without her after getting said woman pregnant. Consider the consequences or dont. He has a responsibility to the baby, but thats as far as it goes. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Reminds me of that one post about a girl's ex boyfriend getting a girl pregnant, but it wasn't actually his, and he was infertile. female So, to be clear, every woman who has had an abortion is, in your mind, an immature asshole. A month after we broke up, she started a new guy. April 10, 2012, 7:09 pm. The dream is a signal for your quest for power. Then how does the woman get off require the man to do it? The only ones who dont are the ones who dont ask for it and/or whom the court deems is unable or unfit to. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be.. One is right next to me . And as far as that man saying that he wants nothing to do with the woman or THE BABY shame on him. Theyve both made their choice. Theres no statement suggesting that he tried to browbeat the woman into getting an abortion. Turns out that the bout of food poisoning she got after their anniversary dinner and the diarrhea that came with it messed with the effectiveness of her birth control pills. April 9, 2012, 12:13 pm. Might he have continued sleeping with her? They should act responsibly. Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair. Also, there are so many single parents who have adopted. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum?. Oh, may be you should marry him and fantasize what kind of fun he is having whenever hes late coming home, or fearful he would leave you when you, like that woman, passed 40; or be told to get rid of your baby who is inconvenient to him. Who then supports the child that the man made? April 9, 2012, 10:34 pm. That can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on your views of abortion, where you are in your life, who your partner is, etc. But shes having his baby and whether he likes her, loves her, or hates her, that baby is his child. If you dont want a baby use birth control. If he didnt want to make a baby, he should have been wearing condoms or not having sex at all. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby. My point is if you dont want kids there are always ways to prevent that he chose not to and now he can deal with the consequences. For me, the joy of the act is not actually giving it, but the enjoyment your partner gets. The fact the option to abort or not is a womans right is no secret. My inclination would be to run away from this guy as fast as you can. I dont know how you can defend it. Sometimes the reasons are clear, such as frequent arguments, lack of interest, and abuse. It doesnt even come close. However, since the pregnant ex of the LWs ex seems to want the child and seems to know the guys take on it, it is apparently her decision to bring a child into that reality. lets_be_honest Yes? Bless This Mess. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. How does your law make this fair? In the same situation currently. [The most dangerous place on Earth to live is in an American womans womb. April 9, 2012, 7:11 pm. Im not advocating for it, just describing whats been proposed elsewhere. honeybeenicki I think the LW and her ex would do better to break up for good. You wouldnt need to administer it. And how do you know you wouldnt do the same thing she is? No worries. He could have also said he wants the baby, and the LW is lying. Thats true, but by the same token, wait a bit (a few days or at least a full conversation) to see if you can get along with someone on a basic level before jumping into bed with them. Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. I get what youre saying. That child has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve to be thrown in the middle of these grown-up problems. Im not arguing that he should be able to force an abortion. Move on. But still. No. You dont honestly believe that logic that applies to one situation should be applied to all situations, do you? Paternity laws in this country absolutely suck. John Rohan He hides me as well as the other girl. If a man has sex with a woman he should be prepared for the possibility that it could result in child support payments. There was a single picture of my ex-boyfriend, his then-girlfriend, and their first child. I am sorry, but that is just dumb. Abortion does away with a potential baby- a life that will grow into a child if it continues to grow over the next several months-, and the other is walking out on an actual human being. The Truth About Rebound Relationships | Psychology Today Because he should have known she could have gotten pregnant! because, no one can give you a 100% guarantee that none of that will happen. Id rather him be honest and bow out now then be in and out or in as a lousy, forced parent. April 9, 2012, 11:00 am. Third, I weep for that child. Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. Even if you had a vasectomy. Seriously, cry me a river you ignorant #**>##!!! That means from a mental, obvious, and circumstantial standpoint, the girl is at the disadvantage. Why isnt it fair of him to be angry? How long his new relationship has lasted. Everyone in this situation sounds like they belong on Jerry Springer. IMO there are probably better ways to deal w/ the more egregious incidents of paternity fraud. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. . We judge what people wear (what on earth was she thinking?? Those double standards take up too much room. Oh, and of course, hes also called a dick, and ass, and other choice names. So, in your opinion, anyone who has sex without wanting to get pregnant is an idiot? REALLY?! April 10, 2012, 5:01 pm. Not to mention raising the baby, which women are way way WAAAYYY more likely to do alone than men. Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. I dont think a relationship with the other woman will work but at the same time Id run from a man who wants nothing to do with their own child. theQuietOne Are you sure you are not living in a cheap novel? About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features NFL Sunday Ticket Press Copyright . April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. But, of course, this makes him an asshole. OH MY GOD!! IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) They are babies. Answer (1 of 11): I am an older lady. And if your original point was that gay men are smart enough to use condoms but that heterosexual couples seem too dumb to do so, that 1M number implies youre wrong. They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, clickHERE! I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. The obligation would fall solely on the mother. Hes scum, no one in their right mind is going to want to stay with him. Ive heard of stuff like this from friends of mine, where theyve been in relationships and their BF finds out his ex got pregnant and blah blah blah so take it as you will, I guess. Nor is there any guarantee that the woman who tells you that she doesnt want to have a baby wont change her mind when faced with that decision. But if she is not YOU need to decide if you can handle your boyfriend having a child with another woman. she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. If the woman chooses to take on the responsibility of raising the child alone, she ought not have the right to force the indentured servitude (financial or otherwise) of the father against his stated wishes. Before getting back together with your ex, maybe you should consider strongly whether or not you want to be with the kind of person whos angry that someone didnt abort in order to alleviate HIM of responsibility. Not that she had the audacity to get pregnant after sex but for keeping the baby. The fact that all this happened doesnt mean hes some despicable jackass. And as far as I can tell, it happens an awful lot. Nice try. No it isnt. Temperance Doesnt matter if they took every precaution to design the worlds best bottle. Women Who Got Pregnant From A One-Night-Stand Share What Went Down He could've at least waited a week after coming back! A forty year old man should know that once is all it takes to handcuff himselfto someone for the next 19 years or so. For someone who cant stand a woman and does not want to have a child you think he would make slightly more responsibly decisions. Yet when it came to her most recent boyfriend, John . According to this, then, a woman should have the choice of forcing the child, once born, onto the father, and then only paying child support for a couple of decades. So go whine about how unfair life is to someone who is as ignorant as you are about how life works. He sounds wholly unlikable so I think its doubtful she wants anything to do with him, especially now. I get unsettled and frustrated whenever I see my ex girlfriend's photos on Facebook with her boyfriend and pictures of the ultrasound of their baby. she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. P.P.S. I cant even write anymore, my brain hurts. In the vast majority of cases, these relationships do not last long and serve solely to be a . Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. Listen, people have sexcasuallyand sometimes with people they never hope to see again. Some of the best advice my mom ever gave me way back in the day was Listen. I highly doubt that he wouldve slept with her if he knew how incompatible they are prior to bedtime. I dont care what ridiculous conversation anyone does or doesnt have before sex. Whatever. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? This woman might very well be lying. Well, hey, point out the flaws in what I said, then. The fact that he doesnt means hes no good for either of you. Iwannatalktosampson I think this guy is a jerk not because he had sex with someone else when he was single, but because he is taking no responsibility for a life he created. 5. Why would you want a future with someone that could do something like that? But thats a crime? I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. April 9, 2012, 6:41 pm, bittergaymark April 9, 2012, 9:58 am. In fact, Im sure you could find a wealth of women who never received support a day in their life. I attempt to avoid name calling, but youre not very smart. No clearly this is a brilliant way to be supported for life. When all of our comments are just reiterations of the same sentiment it can get boring. submandave LW, why are you directing all of your anger at this other woman? Your ilk will perish from a lack of procreation. Of course it is, but we have no way of knowing that the other woman was lying about that. I mean for fuck sake? That a woman has a right to choose if she carries a child to term or not should nor mean that she has a right to choose how a man spends his money for the next 18 years. I find it absurd that there is a debate about this guys right to have unprotected sex as if its ever a good idea. He didnt give you another child. Just sayin there are options, oral being only one of them. You are acting like child support is some sort of lottery win for the woman it is court ordered money that is to go towards the care of your child. As for you LW, Im not even sure exactly what youre asking. iseeshiny But I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable.. And I appreciate that he made his decision and stuck with it, instead of deciding to drop in and out whenever he felt like. He wants nothing to do with his own child. Because last I checked, saying dramatic things like we cant bear to live without each other was reserved for 16-year-old fans of poorly-written vampire romances. Anyway, he ended the relationship with her and surprise, shes knocked up. pretty sure he is actually an extreme pro-lifer who is playing into his rhetoric backwards. lets_be_honest Iwannatalktosampson lets_be_honest I just dont see why thats ok but its not ok for the guy to essentially do the same thing but then have to pay. That line of reasoning is fine but condescending only for those who never in their entire lives have ever done anything that might have resulted in something unexpected (and unwanted) happening. John Rohan Steve Kellmeyer Is this a valid summary? I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. I think this post must have been linked somewhere, hence all the men defenders, out to protect a mans right to have indiscriminate sex without consequences. Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? The fact that all this happened doesnt mean hes some despicable jackass.. April 10, 2012, 6:34 pm. Or shes against abortion. P.S. If you were thinking about breaking up with herthe pregnancy might be a trap. Going through the comments here, right on cue, I already record no less than five times that the boyfriend is called scum or scumbag. BTW, believe it or not, I usually agree with the majority of the commenters here. And he put you in danger of contracting an STD because he failed to use a condom. Thank God for the laws in place protecting children against men like you. April 9, 2012, 6:25 pm, Jesus fucking christ! bittergaymark But woman, grow the hell up. The pull out method? But I almost laughed out loud when I read untrappable. 1. Youre taking something he is saying pre-child and assuming that it is the reality of what will happen post-birth. And to the LW your boyfriend is not the victim in all of this. Im surprised that you guys dont recognize Chuck. You deserve more than you are getting but if you accept less you will get less! However, I dont think it sounds like hes ready or willing to settle down with either woman. Even people who do want to have one often suffer from some kind of depression or at least sadness. I wish it's that easy. Whoa whoa whoa this kid should be the most important thing in his life, over her? Yeah, I believe that means he must be., I believe the definition of an immature asshole is a 40-year-old man who wont own up to his responsibility to be a father to the baby he had equal part in creating.. But the woman needs to be prepared to accept his involvement as strictly financial. You see being nurturing as a weakness. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. Thats my advice. Just because shes decided to not have an abortion because your boyfriend cant stand her and doesnt want anything to do with her or the innocent child, who, like it or not, he helped create, doesnt mean shes trying to trap him or that shes a scroat. If women insist on compelling child support from the man, then dont whine if society insists that women support the child until birth. Or is she trying to get him to live up to his responsibilities (which he brought on himself when he had unprotected sex and got someone pregnant)? He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. Are women less able to care and provide in todays society? Regardless, I again find a double standard in saying he must be scum to not want to be in the childs life but that opting to give a child up for adoption is a perfectly viable choice for a woman. You dont really get a say in this matter. Its as simple as saying you are on the pill when you arent. Woman are more easily able to get custody and so are more likely to get support. April 9, 2012, 11:41 am. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. Your 40-year-old ex-boyfriend sounds like an immature, irresponsible, whiney person. Its none of your business. By this point I had already invested so much in the relationship that I wanted it to work regardless, but no matter how much I tried he didnt want to immediately get back together. Actually, pulling out has a 4% failure rate versus 2% for condoms for perfect use. April 9, 2012, 10:48 am. The law does, because once the child is here, through no fault of its own, it needs to be supported in order to have a successful life and successful children are in the best interest of all of society. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. But in that case, taking the pill you know that youre supposed to use a back up method while on ATB. Both of those things cant be true, LW. Essence may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. He was instrumental in the whole zygote creating you know that thing that turned into a baby Whats that? am . But, in that case as well I would have told the woman to make sure in the future she better protected herself. Nope, not at all, she just goes on living life unchanged. Do something to not have one! I dont usually ever think letters are fake, but this one MIGHT be fake. Abstinence is 100% effective, just saying. lets_be_honest I dont know why this posted as a reply to Honeybeenicki I tried to post it separately. You sound like one of those pro-lifers who are always compelling women to do things against their will. Why are you so obsessed with sex? Really, people. Womans body, womans choice, womans child, NEVER is it the mans child. Whats your personal experience with forced fatherhood, no say over an abortion or crippling child support? 1) Like it or not, men have one point where they can decide whether or not to risk becoming parents (ie before sex, they choose the degree of risk based on what, if any, precautions they take). Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? Once you decide to have sex you are basically saying that you realize pregnancy is a possibility. He did help create it. April 9, 2012, 7:03 pm, Wait, whoops, no. Francine How do you even know that his man was actually, really furious? Because thats really not that old. reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): A I dont have a problem with that. Months after we broke up, he would come and go as he pleased. MOA, ASAP. Tristan Is Expecting a Baby With a Woman He Allegedly Cheated on Khlo Yeah, but theres a lot of harshness toward the LW as well. But early on, this is not an inevitable outcome, and if only one person wants the child, the other should be able to not be obligated. reader, haley 22+, writes (22 June 2008): A But what a guy usually doesn't take into consideration is that a lot has happened after the breakup. That isnt the case. By nothing to do with their lifestyle choices do you mean never put it in her because I dont think we make men pay child support to women they have not had sex with. Ive grown up better being raised by a loving, supportive mother who wanted me than by two parents who didnt want to be together, one of whom readily admitted he wasnt ready or willing to be a father. April 9, 2012, 9:20 am. If a woman wanted to choose to terminate the child, would she be less of a real woman for not stepping up to the responsibility? He delivered, at her request, one-half of a set of DNA blueprints.