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Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. Funny Response to How Are You There are many fun things we could say and people will think that you're smart and interesting! Thank you for a better way to ask this question. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Tomorrow is the weekend! Would it be possible for you in [date]. My current boss is a total jerk. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. 10 Funny Out of Office Messages You Will Want to Copy If I just say it sounds fun but Im not up to it, they respect that. It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. 57 Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Talk to Anyone I ask this question all the time. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. Aunt: Good! The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. And suddenly many things became clear. Good luck! This is how I deal with it: 2. And I think for online dating purposes Im going to assume #2 unless I get significant evidence otherwise. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. 2. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Its a way of saying I enjoy spending time with you in a general sense, but without any plans to actually do that. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. The underlying assumption, is/. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. What is the stuff?? Not everyone in my life always has. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. You?, Or ask when do you need an answer by as invitors do need to know for catering, planning and booking purposes. I wouldnt mind your first either, but thats because the few people whod ask me exactly that are close enough for me to answer however Id like. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! She had already asked him. This will not go away. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. Giving my notebook a bath. I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! But I dont want to? Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. Texting or sending an email to someone. 9 Funny Tinder Messages That Work Like Magic (2023) - VIDA Select It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. 300 Weekend Captions for Instagram to Salute All Working - getchip But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. This is how I deal with it: *In my case, Z has agreed to push the Ask her yourself button instead of passing messages along. In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. So she says no. I still have the same question of why do this? Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. People here may be disagreeing that it should be a normal social rule, but if you change your behavior to meet that, youll be wrong by other standards. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Thanks! To read all future answers to your comment, please bookmark this page. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. Well, now I know? It happens every time I get him as a teller. But you, yours steals the show every time. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. D- Dearest relaxing days. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Assholes. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. Jana: I'm good. 2. 20 Quick & Easy Canned Responses to Improve Your Customer - HubSpot I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. LWs parent. For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. I have less than zero interest in tutoring kids that have no interest in the subject. 30 Best Responses when Someone Asks "What Are You Doing" It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. Thanks for the invite though!. I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). Sometimes I might even say, its okay if you dont want to, its not urgent, but I was wondering if you could possibly help babysit Saturday? And if its clearly just conversation, (and you want to participate further) offer up something else, that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. Any fun plans? Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! Riding an elephant. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. 7. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. Silly Friend: what are you doing this weekend? With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". 3. Can't complainI have tried, but no one listens. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. Try a Humorous Reply when Someone Asks "How Are You?" - All Women's Talk If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. men. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. But thats always what those on the winning side of dominance relationships say. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. Most dont mean to be manipulative, and if thats not their intention, Why, whats up? wont bother them in the slightest, nor will never finding out what you actually are doing next Thursday or what you did with that time if you turned them down. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. I dont know why shes not a foreign diplomat with all the people she can bring together. Thank you! Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. What are your plans for the weekend? - Making Sense of English Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. This relationship goes both ways. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. BUT! Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. Nobody listens anyway. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. Trust issues and controlling family? I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. )/co-workers, who usually uses the So what are you doing this weekend? as an opener to telling me all the awesome stuff theyve planned for themself for the weekend. IDK. Im really only comfortable with this question in that context from very close friends who I can trust to react well to Thanks, but Im not really up for X. Otherwise, the question makes me feel that Im being manipulated into agreeing to something before I know what it is. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. What Will You Do This Weekend? - englishforums.com Funny Responses To What Are You Doing Actively waiting for my problems to go away. 110 Weekend Quotes to Wish You a Restful Break - Quote Ambition but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! Find an answer. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. 1. I guess the conclusion is, ask more directly up front, and if I know someone has a hard time saying no, make sure I explicitly say, its okay to say no, or something similar. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. Depends, why?, even if said with humour, does tell the asker that I might be open, but that itll depend on the contents of the invitation. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. Is it just me? RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. 30 Best Replies To "What's Up?" (Funny & Friendly) 1. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. Given that the cousin is seeking babysitting, What are you doing on Thursday, followed by, Great, youre available to babysit for me! is an incredibly rude and pushy way to go about asking for that favor. This is where you really have to double down on the super-beaming positive manner of absolute assurance. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. Her example story of failing to ride herd on rude white people sufficiently involved being at some luncheon or other with a couple of her grad students from India. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). 5 Better Responses to "How Are You?" Than "Busy" - The Muse But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. N- New adventure. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). its differential equations, 2. What works for you? Its not so much about stopping the question before it comes (pretty much impossible!) (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. Baking a cake. If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.) My mom recently moved from but why? to Ok, I guess you dont love me which is actually a sign things are going my way because its not a direct question. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. Can't complain. The week after is all good. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. Most of what I get out of asking that conversation is sharing of day to day stuff about what we both have happening and are maybe looking forward to [that I can be happy or excited about for them] or things coming up they are anxious about or having other difficult feelings about [that they can talk about if they want to, or that I then know they might be having a difficult time on Tuesday so I should give them a ring then and see how it went/offer support if they want to process through talking].